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[ October 18th, 2006 | 12:25pm ] |
Since my last blog things have gotten better between Derek and I...So thank you my sweet dear brother for the advice.. I love you! At the same time I got a fire inside of me to not settle for this Japan shit.. What most of you 'don't know'... Is when I first found out I was prego Derek went straight to his Gunny and this man suggested I get an abortion... I obviously didn't... Next thing you know Derek is due to be deployed to Japan.. This man is the worst Marine I've ever encountered.. He's sadistic the things he's done to my husband has had even my father who is a retired navy seal,and Chief Petty Officer raising eyebrows... I recently started a group on myspace, MCAS Wives (marine corp air station) . There was a girl who said her husband was going to be deployed to Japan.. Well I didn't understand that since we have 2 squadrons already there..So I asked my husband and he said her husband (sgt.patrick) was replacing sgt.quieros.. That puzzled me.. I couldn't let it go.. How come he gets to come home? I'm having a horrible pregnancy , I haven't gained a pound i've LOST weight and thats okay for early on but i'm 5 months going on 6.. The stress and anxiety of knowing that if something happens to me while no one is home that i' mgoing to be alone.. I realized that ya know what? I'm at risk here.. and my childs welfare.. So as I stated earlier I got a fire and I started looking up every piece of information I could.. I found one clause regarding a deployed Marine that applied more than any.. I then told Derek to talk to who ever he needs to about my situation and how i'm alone and this isn't good.. I'm at risk for being put on bed rest and the ammount of back pain i'm having is severe.. If that happens then what? So he said he would and I also planned at my next appointment to finally come clean with my doctor about my lack of food consumption..my concerns..etc... Cause if my doctor felt I was at risk he could contact command..
Well phone rings at 9am and I wasnt' expecting Derek to call but it was him.. I knew he hadn't had the chance to talk to his sgt. cause he was in the gas chamber or something.. So I wasn't expecting any news regarding the deployment situation.. Derek proceeded to tell me he was at the bar and ran into his staff sgt.. who prior to derek coming in was talking to the sgt. who is being sent home.. Derek asked his staff sgt why sgt quieros was being sent home... well his wife is pregnant which we all knew.. What Derek and I both didn't know is that NIETHER one of them should've been deployed for that VERY REASON... Come to find out I think it's the staff sgt. Had been telling people he had 2 marines that shouldn't have ever been sent there.. The staff sgt. Also told Derek that the man responsible for all this (the gunny I referred to earlier) was out to get the two of them... All the crap he put derek through minus the deployment was greatly intentional and entirely unnecessary.. So Derek does not know if he'll be sent home but c'mon? look at the facts.. He is one of TWO and one is leaving and that mans job is more important.. Derek isn't even really needed and will more than likely not even need a replacement.. He has some people he needs to speak with and further inquire about this shit... To me I say my husbands coming home.. Of course some weird shit could happen and him not.. But with the things he told me and how the staff sgt he's getting pretty close with and his sgt.. They'd go to bat for him and seems as though one already has... Since he's been making statements to people as to why the hell derek and quiero's is even there.. I've never been a real optimistic person or hopeful.. I feel you're merely setting yourself up for a let down and if not then good you'll be surprised... But here lately even prior to this news i've had a strange serine sense.. I laid in bed the other night in tears praying to bring him home.. cause at this point I don't know how i'm gonna get through this if he's not... So I got off the phone w/ Derek called my daddy cause oh yea we're speaking now.. He told me you never know with the military but seemingly with the facts there shouldn't be any reason he doesn't come home.. He's serving no purpose there.. I'm happy to say the least.. Just to know that when I was sitting here stressing over what this Gunny was doing to my husband for months and months and thinking to myself this just can't be right.. I know I only have knowledge when it comes to the Navy.. But I didn't think it could be that different.. That if you're late for work it's okay for them to beat you?... Well I was right and Karma is a bitch and this man is gonna reap what he's sown.. and regardless of whether or not they'll need a statement from my doctor or not i'm gonna make sure I tell him ALL of this for a matter of record. He had a bone to pick with two men and he did something he should've never done .. I know this i'll never take some bullshit like that again laying down...
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| breakfast vs. me |
[ September 19th, 2006 | 11:30am ] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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ugh..
I'm just aggravated..
If you're gonna call at a certain time..CALL.
I know there are gonna be times when you can't..
So I guess the real reason i'm upset is not the lack of calling
It's the fact that a damn omlet was more important than staying on the phone w/ his sick wife..
Cause yeah I couldn't walk from 3pm till I woke up this morning..I'd sacrifice eating all day to talk to him.
It's like he's happier there.. like he's got a break from me so wo0pie...
I know my phone rang from unknown caller at 3 something in the morning..I don't know if that was him or not but that's not when he said he was gonna call.. Then he was suppose to call at 10.. don't think he did cause I answered the phone when it rang...
He has so many better things to do..Then that's what i'm gonna do.. Screw sleeping by the phone and hanging on this computer every 2 seconds ... Like he's going to bed at 9 when he could be online talking to me for a few... I would do that.. I love him and I miss him but screw the one way shit..
I don't take well to disapointment... and i'm really trying to be strong.. I didn't let on I was really upset about it.. i laughed it off.. But i didn't take the nap I was gonna take and it just has been grating on my mind since it happened.. So for now I just don't have anything to say... I mean doesn't seem like he'd want to hear it anyways..
I'm still Savena Japan or no Japan... I'm not accepting bullshit especially when i'm sitting here pregnant and incapable of doing some things...with seemingly the weight of the world on my shoulders while he's just chillin...
so.......on with the day...
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| I am just a ghost |
[ September 17th, 2006 | 9:37pm ] |
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discontent |
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music |
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T.I - life in the sky |
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Just a ghost... that's how I feel..
Waiting in limbo... Not here but not there..
I've probably done more in 3 days than I've done in a past weeks...
I've been on the phone with my sister ALOT...
I went to the commissary today and then to the exchange where I looked at the 'Jet Stream'(The Marine Corp Air Station newspaper) where I found an article on the front page about the recent deployment to Japan.. After that I kinda walked around the exchange clutching the paper.. I bought a new shirt that says , "Honor courage Committment... US Marine Wife".. It's hot.. But it keeps rolling up over my pregnant belly.. not real bad but I don't like my skin showing in any way... Oh well..
I went to deposit money into my account so I could order my brother's CD offline but my slow ass forgot my account #... So didn't accomplish that today..
I decided to buy it in support of him instead of just waiting for him to give it to me..
My sister bought it and I had her read the 'Thank you' portion of the album and what he wrote to me definately made me cry... It's so crazy cause back in the day I use to always tell him when he finally made a cd I better be on the thank you's and he'd always respond with , "you know this".. like duhhhhh..
I'm thinking about still going home for xmas .. I just honestly have never been without my family for Christmas and who knows with my g'ma and her health this could be her last..
And Derek is gone and i'm gonna be all pregnant and full of hormones... I'll only be 10 days into my final trimester... Plus, then my sister will throw me a baby shower cause i'm not gonna get one here, i'd have no one to invite...
When Derek was talking about his re-enlistment and places we could put down for transfer options of course pax river is my first choice cause it's md.. But we still have to pick 2 other choices.. I asked if where my wifey is could be an option but he said he didn't think so... That would be my 2nd choice in a heartbeat... but that doesn't seem possible..
I just wish I wasn't here *right* now.. I swear if it wasn't for my new puppy i would've bolted up north for a week or so..
But I did just had a chance to talk to Derek.. there was a typhoon y/day so they were on lockdown so I didn't hear from him all day (computer or phone) and he had told me I would so I was concerned..
Him and his roomie are gonna get internet in their room since dude has a laptop...
Today has been a better day so i'm not gonna sit here and reflect on all the negativity i'm sure I could drudge up...
Just stay active and embrace whatever i can..
8 mins till my Flavor of love...........so gotta go..
p.s...
Thank you suzie..
You didn't have to give a damn
For you to do so...
Touching...
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| breathe in....breathe out... |
[ September 16th, 2006 | 2:59pm ] |
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At 3:45 am Thursday(9/14) I woke up to see my husbands face for the final time for the next 6 months... We got to the air station by 5am and sat in the hanger while everyone rolled in... I threw up in the bathroom...So it was already a shitty start..I had been doing quite well with this emotionally...But as time grew closer and I looked around at other wives loosing composure reality began to sit in quite quickly and that was all she wrote... Even as I write this its hard... swallowing this lump in my throat and avoiding the swelling of tears..A last hug and tearful goodbye and he was gone... I rushed out with my mother...When I hit the door I got ready to go back to sleep as if my life depended on it... I slept alot that day.. When I wasn't sleeping I was finding odd jobs to do around the house...Like actually getting the hose out the shed and hosing the house...why? really I couldn't tell you... I put his shirt on...and then I began to think I was going insane or eventually would hit that point.. You know you hear about those people that when someone close to them dies they hold onto their belongings like psychos or still set their plate at dinner ... don't move their belongings from their original places... Like everything became sacred.. The food he last cooked me...the cranberry juice he put in my bottle before we left... (yea its still there).. smelling every shirt as I pass it.. And prying over and over the length of 6 months.. Sitting in my bathroom talking to myself b/c that room is the only place I feel is closed in enough for me to actually not look so strong ... It's like that was the day my smile died.. Just so many things that run through my mind almost as if to restore his presense... At least i'm not avoiding reality and committing myself to my bedroom.. If anything i'm taking more intiative to maintain and do things..
My husband is my comfort and sanctuary... I've always realized and appreciated what he does even if I don't show it.. But when it's no longer around you're like wow... The little things ; like how he is the only one that can make mac n cheese perfect so in turn I won't eat it for 6 months.. Same with kool aid.. And just him being there... Yesterday was better as i'm sure each day will be.. Then I was getting ready for bed.. I was all comfy then something was getting to me so I got up and went in my bathroom to once again talk to myself...It's just something that has always helped me gain a clearer perspective of things instead of holding it all in...and since I dont' open up to others...I only have myself...I started to cry again.. but I won't let it get out of control.. I suck it up and continue on this path... I breathe in and breathe out.. That song (chris cagle - breathe in, breathe out) is on constant rotation in my head.. Every step I take I hear those words.. I know some good will have to come out of this .. I'm sure we'll be much closer after all this and I have 'already' learned alot.. Not that i'll change.. I'm not sitting here regreting every fight now b/c he's not here or sitting around scolding myself.. Because that's life and everything has a reason.. I'm sure there will still be spats.. I'm savena and that's who I am.. I just have realized alot of things and if I didn't know how much I loved him or if I made the right decision I got my verification... There's no where i'd rather be and no one that could ever compare... And when I have something so intense come to hit me like a brick wall it makes me wonder how i'll get through this...
somehow.......
I decided to make myself feel good about something........so new pictures..
( hate on )
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| she gives me courage |
[ August 30th, 2006 | 2:50pm ] |
'She' is my wifey the only girl I consider my bestfriend eventhough we can go months with brief contact... But then there she will be like a beacon of light. I start this entry like this because if it wasnt' for her I wouldn't have as much calmness and pride to discuss what the point of this update is.. When I got married it felt like I became a member of a club that consisted of no one I knew.. My once dear friends I felt like I had nothing in common with anymore.. Especially since not only was I now a wife but I was a military wife better yet A Marine Corp Wife... And any marine wife will tell you and most of the husbands it's the hardest job in the corp.. So that made it a even more exclusive club.. No one could relate to a damn thing in my life.. So I kept to myself alot... I became a recluse and I hated it.. The friends here I did make move cause their husbands are getting out or moving..or the guys one in particular that I found could be a great friend is out on a ship for 6 months.. I always knew though there was one person who knew exactly what I was going through... And when I talked about something like base housing vs. town knew the benefits..knew what I was talking about.. Of course my MaRLi...So when I got the news sometime back in July that I was pregnant I knew the first person I wanted to talk to...
Alot of emotions and life changes have taken place.. It wasn't that I was elated to be pregnant but I wasn't walking away this time. And as time goes by and you see the physical changes and it becomes more 'real' I do find myself looking forward to what's to come.. There's been so much drama with Derek and the marine corp..and currently were awaiting a huge decision..that I really don't feel like going into detail with.. He is now due to leave for japan in like 2 weeks.. So for the remainder of my pregnancy he will not be here.. At first I was going to go home... But tri care(my insurance through the military) has alot of rules when it comes to switching regions/ traveling out of your region etc.. and I feel it would be best to be in the comforts of my home considering i'm already having a really tough time physically . My moms here at the moment.. It took me alot to tell everyone and anyone that could read this.. Cause I don't feel like hearing anyone's judgements or pre concieved notions... But when I think of her...and all her strength... It makes me feel like I can do this too and i'm not alone...
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| roses |
[ May 4th, 2006 | 1:43pm ] |
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 chipper |
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music |
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terence trent d'arby |
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I'd first off like to congratulate my father who recently became the state of Maryland commander of the VFW(veterans of foreign warfare)and the senior vice commander for his local chapter...
http://www.vfw9862.org/Officers.htm
hehe.. my Daddy's picture is on a website!! I thought it was quite fantastic..Eventhough he thinks he looks horrid in the picture... He does look rather mean.. but that's my daddy!
He's really proud of it.. cause there are people that have been member for 10+ years and haven't achieved what he has in 3 years..He's adament now that he's going to make me a member.. cause I do qualify.. shit! I represent with this VFW bracelet.. I wear it every day (the red one in my pictures)...
Anyways... My rental company has been sending contractors out to get estimates on my windows!!! yippe!
Then yesterday a lovely older gentleman from the maitanance company came by to look at my cracked sink basin.. Nothing is wrong with it *yet* it's just really ugly looking..He told me he could caulk it.. And I was real sweet and just told him it wasn't pretty and he agreed and very pleasantly said he'd make sure it got taken care of... like wink wink..hehe..
Things are great..
This weekend we went over to one of the people Derek works with houses for a get together..I loved his wife and this other girl who was in the navy.. They are both named ashley... We took the dogs and everyone just couldnt' get over Azrael... Then after a couple hours we went down to the waterfront.. There are like tons of bars .. first place i've ever been where you can carry your drink into another bar..
Towards the end of the night I ended up having a real long awesome convo with one of the navy guys.. I call him zippers cause his last name was zimmerman... Lots of religious discussion because he's waiting for the call from God to become a pastor just like i've been... He's about to go out on the ship for 6 months..well he already is now.. I just encouraged him to think of that as a blessing in disguise..Cause he had nothing but time to devote himself even more with his faith.. It was great and we related on so many different levels.. Its safe to say after all the sweet shots the girls had me taking after beef and vodka I was goneeeeee....
It still was a great night... Just sucks that most of the people you meet here are leaving...deployments,ships,relocation...
That's kinda why i'm attempting to stay to myself... Yet it felt good to interact with other damn people..
Well I gotta get started on my workout..
poof.
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[ April 27th, 2006 | 11:53am ] |
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ben harper - please me like you want to |
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this is not helping me at all
what you are doing here
in the name of god and love
it's the distribution of fear
pyramids, healing wires, analysts with fame
I haven't got your degree
and I forgot your name
pick me up and put me on the ground
set me up and spin me all around
no, you are not the one I wish to see
this is not helping me at all where did we get this plan?
that you could give to me what I might already have... pyramids,
healing wires, a musician's fame
I volunteered you my eyes
in place of facing me
oh Hitler, in a robe of truth
my emptiness has built your altar
and I've worshipped myself in you forever
until now!
................................................................................
I don't know why but I dreamt of that beautiful Baltimore boy last night..
I have no idea why.. and it bothers me.. It was almost too clear.. possibly to not be a dream
but a preminition... I don't know..
I'm expecting my psyche to go a bit haywire due to my spiritual guide's new found happiness due to the lifelong journey
he's about to embark on...
I can't wait to go home even if it's not long....I was just sitting here thinking , "what if Derek's leave doesn't get approved"???!!
It's like I can't stop stressing my own self out to see all the good... I figure It'll be rediculous but if that happens we can just leave Friday after he gets out of work...Hustle hustle!
I'll bypass mentioning my incident 2 days ago... Let's just say I have to go to court now on the 17th of May and I met the previous tenant of my house, Tara by complete luck... She had all the same problems with this house I did..The window didn't open for her and they wouldn't repair them... Come to find out our rental company merely sponsors owners to help them sell or rent their properties... So they said I need to contact the owner but in my lease it says they are suppose to contact the owner... Either way it is a health hazard for lack of proper ventilation.. i've been researching SC state law and will be contacting the fire marshall for the housing/building codes... Just for proof... Then calling a building inspector.. So when I go to court I'm prepared... I'm going to court for paying rent late and they had already put the papers in prior to us paying.. That's all find and dandy.. We're not facing eviction or anything we just have to appear.. Of course they told me they'd make it go away if I paid all of the remaining half of the security deposit by the 15th... And they can really kiss my ass.. I want to go to court.. I want my damn house fixed.. I mean wanting windows that open isn't that big of a request.. The weather can't seem to make up it's mind whether it wants to get dark and start rain or be sunny..
I'm just doing my famous mechanism of finding things to just stress my ass off over... Underneath it all like i'm ecstatic... I feel dead weight is gone... and with that came serenity... I get to go home and see my family and having my mother here will be a huge help.. and now i'm not moving..
So im making mountains outta mole hills basically.
I wanna super clean everything...the upstairs, bathrooms,organize the kitchen/bathroom cabinets and clean them out... Ya know spring cleanin' type shit... But my menstrual pain is kinda getting to me... so we'll see..
haha half my front yard is sunnny and half looks like a tornado is about to come...
Feels like i'm back in Florida..
Well time to go attempt to get started..
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| sacrifice |
[ April 22nd, 2006 | 10:45pm ] |
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 worried |
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It's amazing what a couple days can do..
I've experienced a huge ammount of selflessness..peace..stress..peace..heh.. clarity...
Not that i'm still not overwhelmed.. But somehow somethings are rather calming..
As I wrote previously my mom and I had a short discussion on her moving here..
I surprised myself with how eventhough yes, this would be a help to me.. My primary drive for it
was merely to help my mother..
So yesterday afternoon after talking to my sister.. My mom finally called me and gave a definate that she wanted to move..
I quickly jumped online to research the price of moving vehicles so I could move her and her belongings. I planned it for around the 15th of May.. because we're gonna wait till I returned from Florida.
The prices took me aback.. There are cheaper but due to the fact that Derek isn't 25 we didn't qualify for them..
So we were looking at $822..
As it was Navy relief hasn't updated Derek's pay for the 15th since as of that pay check the loan will be paid back..
So I thought for once and for all to add up all our expenses and his pay with off base housing vs. on base..
It came out being better to stay just where we are.. Plus this house is more spacious than the ones on base.. Since my mother is now going to be living with me I thought it'd be best. Especially come June when the loan's definately gone and Derek will be getting a raise.
Yet in still that triggered another problem... That meant now we wouldn't have as much money (just come the 1st of May) because we weren't going to have to pay rent here.. Now that we've decided to stay we will..
I sat there agonizing over it all...
It's just the month of May that's going to be difficult... After we'd be fine.. I definately couldn't bare the thought of moving now just because we're a couple hundred short on the first of the month...
So we attempted to get my flight refunded.. My moms so excited and saying now she has a reason to get up in the morning.. I haven't heard her this happy in sooooo long.. This is her last chance to do right.. It's worth the sacrifice..
It will be refunded ,, I have to go through alot of shit to do so.. but it'll get done..
Money will still be rediculously tight.. and so much is hanging on "what if's"... and "hope so's"..
Like , yes derek is entitled for his money to not be taken out on the 15th.. but i'm aprehensive that it will...
We're gonna do a debt consolidation loan... but are we gonna get approved? Is my supposed check going to arrive in time??
I am doing amazingly good some how..
Ha.. and then I got my electric bill.. and I wanted to fall apart again..
I at least need to make some kinda payment or it will be shut off on Tuesday.
And the refund of my trip is going to take 2 weeks or so..
So still remains stress and a great deal of remorse for the person i'll be letting down by not coming..
I can't do everything...and my family will always come first.
Overall thought i've found some kind of serenity and i'm soooo looking forward to going home and getting mom...
I get to actually hand deliver my brother's birthday presents...I miss him sooo much!
My sister told me yesterday that the reason why sometimes she can't even bare to call me cause ' she'll start crying...
I made her really happy when I informed her that in may 08 derek's going to put in for orders to patuxent River naval base which is located in Southern Maryland <3 She screamed so loud I had to pull the phone away...
But who knows what will be going on in 08'.. you just never know.. But still it gave her some kind of joy..
My mother's already making all kind of plans.. I told her she had full access of my garage for all her paintings she paints and her crafts and stuff... She's gonna help me paint the downstairs bathroom..Making others happy is surreal and doing this leaves strong chances that i'll finally get my 'mother' back...
well I guess that's all for now... I'm getting a migraine... what's new though?
This laptop sucks.. Just like the prior HP pavilion my mother had..
It's been doing that whole blue screen of death and physical dump of memory...
I was going to go through recovery and do binary.. but it wouldn't even register it..
I think it was just overclocked or over heated... so I have to level it over something so air gets to it.. since
then it's been working fine...
Nonetheless ... I want a viao..
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| mad world |
[ April 20th, 2006 | 11:45am ] |
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 blah |
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music |
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none - Hogan knows best on tv |
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I guess I should start where the madness began...
Night before last my father *finally* returned my call from Sunday afternoon.
He proceeded to tell me how he had spoken with my mother and that she was worried about me. He then told me how she wanted my number but
he wouldn't give it to her without my permission.. I told him how I don't mind speaking to her the thing is that I don't want any drama. My dad then said he didn't think she'd be in a yelling mood or anything.. He continued on to tell me my uncle Freddy had died. We quickly wrapped that conversation up and thank God because I could feel the tears swelling and the lump in my throat..I knew after that it wouldn't take to long before my mother called. It was all of about 10 minutes.. I answered the phone she calmly inquired as to why I never returned her 325325 messeges on my old cell phone. I quickly reminded her that she told me not to in those messeges.. I think she realized there was no need in dwelling on that with me.. So through her crying she attempted to change subjects.. We went on to exchange stories and catch up. She cried and told me how much she missed me and what not.. I then told her of Derek's deployment in March.. She asked if I wanted her to come down then.. I said for some of the time yeah.. Because I do plan on not being home much..
Then somehow don't know how we began talking of her coming down sooner like on a longer term than just visiting.. It sure would be a huge help... Since Derek has hardly any time to help me with getting things accomplished in preparation for march. Of course nothing was set in stone.. Just some idea's being thrown out.. So then came yesterday I called her and she told me that what she might do is just keep her apartment and just go back in forth for awhile.. Then that's when I explained how prior to march would be a great deal of help... So we'll see. The offer is on the table... I'm happier that she doesn't seem to want to actually like move down here full time.. Because if something were to happen here I am only responsible for myself not another life as well. I also learned that my cousin, Crystal is pregnant, my old neighbor, and my aunt peanut is pregnant with triplets. I was like wow... I'm really happy for peanut though because they spent tons of money on all those fertility procedures and have been trying for so long..
I guess it's safe to say some good did come out of this death...
I set up the wireless router yesterday so I could actually use the laptop... Instead of being upstairs all the time... And I think this allow's me more privacy.. Since Derek did sneak a peek at my ravematch convo's with Todd. Not that I think he'd do it again but in all reality I don't like sharing computers.
I'm almost done with Kingdom hearts ... I mean I can still do tons more battles at olympus and extra shit.. But technically I only have two worlds left.
I got the game guide... I wish I had, had it from the beginning..
Went out shopping for my brother's birthday presents last night.. I got him a ton of pointless crap since he didn't want to tell me what he wanted..
Since it's all happened though I haven't felt like talking much to anyone... I hope no one takes it personal.. I just needed to think and take a step back...
My obligations are so high and I don't think anyone really realizes that.
Countdown to the Orlando trip... I'm scared.. of so much crap.. I've yet to get a returned phone call from Anthony as of yet...I'm guessing he's gonna be a punk once again...
I still need to call Joey.. but in a way I rather just wait till i'm there to actually call everyone.. Cause so far there have been so many times i've claimed to be coming and yes, had full intentions of doing so and something went wrong.. So I figure i'll cab it from the airport to my room . Then make my calls...
That'll give me time to just chill and get my heart and mind together...
Well i'm gonna go check the route from the airport to the hotel and some other stuff in prepartion for my trip..
Toodles.
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| Florida bound |
[ April 15th, 2006 | 5:29pm ] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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eric church - how bout' you |
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I'm leaving for Florida on the 6th of May... Crazy shit I swear.. I'm only visiting..
I'm going by myself..
I've been wanting to go for various reasons.. But I lacked something inside to really light that fire inside of me that I had to go..
It plagued me ... Then I realized that's where I grew up.. and i've gone back to every place I had unfinished business and conquered my past.. I haven't done that there.. There are people there I am dying to see...
I just can't wait to simply 'be' there.. Smell the air and take in the place that brought me so much pain..
I decided I would not be dependant on any one for a place to stay and blah blah.. So I got myself a hotel as well...
I hope to see everyone I want to see...
It's something I just have to do.. A million minds may never understand.. That's where I grew up..
In a sense that's home... I need to reunite with Anthony... he better come through and face me..
I'm scared of how I will react.. The pain he inflicted I think will cease to matter and i'll merely fall into a spell of tears..
I've been missing a apart of me since june 8th 2000... I hope to get it back...
I soon realized I don't have luggage any more.. Ya know I gotta have a rolling suitcase..hehe
So i'm gonna go check some out today and get some new fresh white shoes.. cause it's time..
I'm stuck on my kingdom hearts game and it's seriously pissin gme off.
I think I will be having to get my tattoo retouched eventually...
Mat told me he loved me... after all this time that meant the world.. That's my buddy for life <3333
Yeah this is random babble.. cause i'm just waiting to leave..
oh and since everyone is so curious about my life and are raising eyebrows regarding my myspace and everything.. don't think i don't know..
so here's the answer to your wonders..
I have a boyfriend.. oh yes.. and his name's jonathan...I love him soooooooooo...
so there.. now no one has to randomly IM me anymore sniffing like a dog..
|
| Life ain't always beautiful... |
[ April 4th, 2006 | 12:26pm ] |
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mood |
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calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
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destinys child - cater 2 u |
] |
Thanks to my Fritzy I've come to so many realizations with who I am.. and what the hell i've been forgetting.. Basically probably unknowingly he's helping me find myself again...
So this weekend while in Savannah buying my new clinique makeup I decided I was going to finally get the tattoo I wanted...The biggest problem i'd been having with it was not knowing where to get it.. I wanted it to be seen but then being a girl you face this what is feminine and shit factor...
My best friend , Brandon has a scorpian and it has always been known that I was going to get the same one..His is on his forearm so I was thinking while driving..And a passion hit me and I decided that's exactly where i was going to get it.. It's easy to cover if need be and my dream wedding dress is long sleeve so on my wedding day I won't look all trashy..So I went and got a quote on how much it'd cost ... it wasn't bad at all so I was like fuck it i'm gonna get it.. I went in on sunday and they were short on artists.. So I have to wait till Friday at 8pm.
I finally talked to my sister after not hearing from her in like 2 weeks.. She proceeded to still claim she's coming down 10th-15th of this month.. I really am starting to believe her cause she's buying the kids clothes for it and asking me a bunch of questions regarding the beach and stuff... So i'm soooooooo excited.. sucks that it's in the midst of this housing shit.. But there is progress being made.. Derek's gunny is going to write a letter that will release us from the lease.. which will able us to apply for base housing.. Now the only thing is we didn't pay rent and we don't know when base housing is gonna come through and Gunny is still working on the letter.. And Derek's appointment with legal isn't till Friday. I feel that if we won't be moving till the end of this month then regardless of our issues we should pay rent.. But if were moving in a week ya know?? I think we'll end up just paying the money on the 15th.. Cause i'm not trying to deal with drama from these people while I have my sister,nephew,and niece visiting me. Luckily it won't be a hardship paying the rent b/c my money has come through and my check should be here any day and my father also is sending me money.
Of course if we don't have to pay the rent then we'll just have 825 + extra..
In attempts to make my home perfect for my sisters arrival.. i went psycho crazy with rearranging furniture and setting up the upstairs room to some degree... I figured since my sister hates cigg smoke and my nephew is asmatic (sp?) while they were here we could confine it to the office upstairs...
I had to re wire shit move a 50 lbs damn tv take half my desk apart to haul that fucker up my stairs.. Moving the sofa and wall unit..
Yes on my own... that's the way I wanted i'm not downing Derek.. Plus he has a softball game..
My shoulders are sore as shit today but I feel so accomplished ... It was worth it..
This way the big stuff is outta the way now I can take care of the smaller preparations.
I am talking to my boy from back in the day again..[jay..my huggiebearz] we lost touch....but I found him through my brother's myspace page..
Kinda weird cause he's all open now with how he kinda liked me back then and shit.... I was so oblivious back then..
Derek and I had one hell of a weekend cause Friday night was a blow out.. My frustrations with his insecurities came to a head...
Then saturday I spent like 4 hours going over who the hell i am and how I am and shit regarding Fritzy...
He's gonna be in my life and I love him dearly and I'm brutally honest..
People spent their lives only saying what others want/need to hear and thinking shit they never say...
Not me... some people would say that's not good and there is an art to knowing what to say and what not to...
I just stick to being dead honest...
I do believe some solace was found...
Jonathan wrote me a letter last night while I was sleeping..
It really hit me in the heart and not in a good way..
I mean there were definately good parts... but you know how that goes..
negativity out weighs the positive... I know that wasn't his intention
He's just going through a down spell so i'm not trying to pry with my own issues
towards his emotions... I feel that's selfish.. He deserves the world..
ah! I just found this book I absolutely have to get him...well not a book an anthology..
Can't give to much away.. It has to be a surprise..
I appreciate him so much I just want to do whatever to remind him that he's loved..
Maybe it'll help lighten his spirit during his journey...
I need to look for sage online cause shit.......I can't seem to find it in this damn bible belt..
well that's it for now.. gotta go work out <3
|
| overjoyed |
[ March 31st, 2006 | 2:42pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
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 loved |
] |
| [ |
music |
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supposedly |
] |
I just woke up after over 24 hours of delerium...
Some weights have been lifted regarding the housing situation.
I checked my journal to see my wifey ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) marliglowz had left me a comment..
I didn't even know she had a new journal.. So i went to check it out and
like the first entry began and I was like "wait a minute...those are my words"...
I had written and entry about her about a year ago and I guess she found it..
And wrote it and wrote something that touched my heart....I love that girl to death.
...............................................[x]
the good lord is such a good lord
with such a good mother too
they have blessed me
in the good graces of you
now i...
i have heard a hundred violins crying
and i...
i have seen a hundred white doves flying
but nothing is as beautiful
as when she believes in me
how good it must feel
to be so young, young and free
and a song that pleases a queen
will always please me
now i...
i have heard the wisest of wisdom
and i...
i have dined in palaces and kingdoms
but nothing is as beautiful
as when she believes in me
now, all of life
is just passing the time
until once again
your eyes look into mine
now i..
i have been adored by a stranger
and i...
i have heard the whispering angel
but nothing is as beautiful
as when she believes in me..
.................................................[x]
I have to type a letter today for Derek's Gunny about the day the repair men came to my house..
Time to get in writting mode..
I have to get printing paper..
Grocery shop
Get dog stuff
Send out a package
God know's what else...
Catapilars are attacking my house....I don't like those weird fuckers...
Today is going to be okay and i'm so blessed to have that beautiful glowing angel in my life...
To the one that posesses the symbol for the setting sun..
Thank you...I love you..
Love I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are
And all my instincts, they return
And the grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside
In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway (in your eyes) to a thousand churches
In your eyes
The resolution (in your eyes) of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes
In your eyes
Love, I don’t like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive
I have to go put myself together now..
makeup + hair...
|
| For as long as I live .. I'll choose you again... |
[ March 27th, 2006 | 3:30pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
tupac - can you get away |
] |
I'm at peace at this moment.. I just got online to see my daddy *finally* wrote me back...I love him so...
so yeah i'm gonna post what he wrote just cause I CAN...
Hi, I miss you alot. Your pups are cute. I thought you had received that money from Che. Anyway, I know that she has talked to you and she is planning on sending you some money soon. I will send you some money on April 1st. Your living room looks nice. I am trying to get it together so I can get my car very soon. In May I will become VFW District Commander for Montgomery County, so I hope to get everything done by then. I guess you know Che got a new pup also. Hope you and Derek are doing well. thanks for the EM. Sorry it took so long to reply but I seldom go on line at home.....it's so slow. I did not work last week, so this is my first day in the office. We have broadband here and it is really fast, so I usually look at hotmail when I am here. Please know that I love you very much and can't wait to see you. You are in my daily prayers and I hope you know that. Love Dad
Awww...I didn't even ask for money.. I've been having a hard time missing home..
I spoke with jdogg for the first time since I felt hurt by him...
He told me he was scared cause he knew he couldn't be with me so he simply pushed me away..
I told him since my brother cares about his ass and see's good in him I would attempt to understand
his reasoning and be there for him.. He's going to jail for 3 years on may.3rd.. That saddened me to a point
I can't quite understand.. But I plan to be there for him through it all...
If we get base housing prior to the first we'll have extra income and Derek said he thought I should go home and
he'd get me a ticket.. I figure shit,,,I'm going in June as much as I miss everyone I can't get a plane every 5 seconds..
I do however have some business in orlando florida that needs to be done.. I need to see Anthony i mean he was my brother.. He knows
me best.. I need to sit and just 'be'.. I can do that there... For more reasons than one.. However the time period i was planning to do this conflicts with my sisters trip here... But my sister says alot and doesn't come through alot not that i blame her... She just gets preoccupied and is real busy..
So if the housing goes through and...my sisters visit doesn't come through or isn't that long w/e i'll be going..
If not...
Then it'll be postponed to a later date...
My heart is full... and it's not as scary as I anticipated ...
I feel happier... I didn't really expect the truth to make me so at ease..
well gotta go check up on some other stuff...
|
| the heat is on |
[ March 23rd, 2006 | 4:23pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
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music |
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my brother,snaPz |
] |
shit..it's been awhile..
Lot's been going on.. as always when alot is weighing on me that's when I'm the most reserved..
I've been busy since the minute I got my puppies..
They are soo adorable.. I'll post pictures at the end of this entry..
I'm gonna be moving onto base housing..Don't know which development or not.. It's just for the best..Financially
and... Derek and I knew there would be a Possibility of him being deployed to Japan and with us living on base it would be less
for me to have to deal with as far as bills and stuff if we lived on base cause everything would be pretty much taken care of. Plus that would allow more time to focus on other things since money wouldn't be the #1 thing on our minds..
Good thing we decided all this cause a few days later he recieved the word that he would be going to japan next March...for 6 months..
I could sit around being upset about it..but it's a blessing in a way b/c this way I have plenty of time to get stuff straightened out on my end so that I can live independantly while he's gone.. If it were to have happened any earlier it would've been horrible for me..
Though I know i'd go half insane being here in SC by myself.. As of yet I have no friendships or anything with anyone here..My closest friends are in florida and one in myrtle beach... Maybe in a year that will have changed but still.. So I don't really plan on spending a whole lot of time here during those 6 months... Gonna make some trips to see family and friends and hopefully some will visit me as well..
My sister is suppose to be visiting next month during my nephew's spring break (april 9th-15th). My dad also said he was coming he however didn't give me any dates..
I'm stressed out b/c we don't know yet which development we will be moving onto..or dates.. and I'm expecting family..
I can't improve this house cause i'm not gonna be here.. So it's the sit and wait game..
I don't do well with that..
About a month ago I was reunited with someone who I use to yearn to be with, Jonathan(http://www.myspace.com/thedjbassic) from FL..
We hadn't spoken since I was 17, right before I turned 18..Right before I made my 18th bday trip to Florida
he dropped a bomb on me that he was getting back with his ex.. It was a decision that hurt me and that hurt stayed with me for
quite sometime..
Then one night here recently I signed onto my yahoo just cause I never do.. and there he was.. I said hi... blah blah..
He saw my new pictures and i've severely changed . It's been sorta complicated since that point..
He professes to really truely love me.. That's really sent my head into a whirlwind..
I want him in my life cause we've had a bond that I can't explain and no one besides us would even understand...
I think I finally got through to him for him to understand where my mind and heart is at right now.. I think everything will be okay between us now..
My mom and I have yet to speak since the night I left Maryland and she went psycho for noooooo apparent reason...Despite how de-fucked she is she's my mom and I think this is the longest we've spent not speaking..It's starting to get to me.. I know i'm gonna have to break down and bridge this some how... I'm just rather reluctant to do so.
Derek and I have to go to the naval hospital so they can assign us with primary health care providers..etc..
I am preparing for my brothers album release party that is set for June... I have my escort since Derek will be unable to take the time off...I asked Mat to go and he obliged.. I'm excited.. Mat and I haven't had enough time to hang out and I love that kid to death.. He emailed me today saying he's going to be in Atlanta GA for a class for a week.. I hope we can hang out then.
I've since spoken to my once bestfriend, Ryan aka Matikz..I can't for the life of me recall why I was mad at him at one time.. I know it was heavy.. I'm sure if I backdated my journal I'd figure it out.. He's grown up to be quite the sexy stylish man... I missed him alot.. Glad we're speaking again..
Well here are some pictures..
finally got the 19th bday pictures developed [ http://photos.yahoo.com/incubuscalamity ]
( my puppies & random )
|
| Today is the day |
[ March 7th, 2006 | 2:32pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
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anxious |
] |
Today I finally get to pick up my puppies... We're going to leave as soon as Derek gets home from work and hopefully he gets off early.. Cause it is almost a 2 hour drive and traffic sucks...
My mind has led me to a certain individual for the past couple days...
Eventhough I still have pent up frustrations where he is concerned..
I think sometimes I should've tried harder to get past that shit..
I've missed his birthday...shit..I've missed his happiness..
Was this what it was all for?!?! To be exciled once he found joy..
I've always felt that words never quite got to him..
I wonder if I ever really meant a thing... If being dedicated was just a waste of time...
Was my slot in his heart filled? Was it easily replaced if so?
After my mind takes flight I land and push myself back to saying i don't care...
My heart places blame away from myself and I attempt to convince myself that he's just not worth it..
That having all the other friends i've come to claim ease the pain of loosing the one that captured
my very being for no rhyme or reason...
Then a last..."I'll be fine"...
You don't know a thing about me
If you don't know how much I miss you
And you don't know a thing about me
unless you know how much I need you in my life..
Well i see the mistakes I made
The way I acted carelessly
But if you don't much I need your forgiveness
than you don't know a thing about me.
If I could just go back and make it right I would...
Besides the plaguing i'm fantastic though..
It's been a pretty nice couple of days..
I've gotten up early every day..
Just feels weird sleeping upstairs...the minute I realize it's day and i'm still up there
I come downstairs with the agenda of going back to sleep for a few but that NEVER happens..heh..
I still need to clean up a bit and then go to our smallest room and get all the stuff off the floor and newspaper
the floor...since my puppies are not yet housetrained they are going to need a confined place mostly at night or when i'm not home...
Pictures will come soon!
<3
|
| What difference a couple hours makes |
[ March 4th, 2006 | 2:20pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
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cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
travis tritt |
] |
Right after my last entry I went to go make a bagel..I didn't get as far as cutting it before there were loud knocks at my door...It was the rooms to go delivery people.. They were funny.. I proceeded to then put my coffee table together.. (partial assembly required) heh.
I was proud of myself... During that Derek came home for his lunch. He tried to help but I wouldn't let him.. After he went back to work I began to decorate and put stuff on display on the entertainment center.. Cleaned up and did my makeup.. For some reason I thought of one of my dearest friends, Steppo and how I wanted to do something sweet for him.. So.......I made my first myspace group - mattysteps fan club.
You should join even if you're not familiar with his work...
Go listen
http://www.myspace.com/mattysteps
and join my group
http://groups.myspace.com/steppoFC
After that I went crazy with invites for my group and talked to steppo for a bit..
It warmed my heart when he told me "man you really are the best"...
I miss my steppo !!
I wish I could go to his show on the 17th in VA beach!! arg!
The day only proceeded to get odder...
I recieved a random IM from Anthony...I wasn't online during the time I was moving to florida once again back in late aug. I had the plane ticket and everything..
Anthony was someone previously mentioned in here alot.. He was like my brother . He was a student of my fathers back in florida and next thing you know he was always around from age 20-24.. When I first met him I had an uber crush on him but it seemed to go away .. You would've never known he wasn't my brother.. And he had more faith in me than anyone I'd ever encountered.. Those times were hard for me and I think he's the only thing that kept me from loosing it..
Anyways I looked for him for years .. once my parents seperated we lost touch... I missed him tragically.. I finally found him around my 20th birthday.. Next thing you know we were on a different path.. One of him wanting to be with me romantically...
We broke ties .. Then in august it became apparent to me to give it a go...He got an apartment for us and I got a plane ticket..
The day after I bought the ticket he calls telling me since he's kinda under his parents thumb(cause they were paying for everything since he was in school).. Apparently I couldn't come now .. they didn't approve and would cut him off..
I knew there was a way around that and I was willing to work out something eventhough I was quite devastated.. Well...he never ever returned one single phone call...
And I never got on that plane..
So he msg's me yesterday randomly congratulating me on my marriage.. Cause prior to my wedding I txt msg'd him telling him..I never understood what he did..if that was the plan all along or wtf... But without a doubt i've always known he loves me.. Shit happens.. So I knew that news would get to him.. and that was the point..
We proceeded to talk..
I asked him why he did it..
At least a call..I deserved that much.. The man that never wronged me had...and badly..
Basically he just punked out.. He was scared of loosing me... but like I pointed out he did anyways.
It's over and done now and things happen for a reason..
I wouldn't be with Derek right now if it wasn't for that happening..
Honestly...I was commited to being his 'girlfriend'... but my heart was half weary cause I hadn't seen him since i was almost 16..
when he was nothing more than my brother,my confidant,and bestfriend...
And that's what I missed....So instead of dwelling on all this shit I told him there was no hatred in my heart for him and we talked like we use to...
No one knows me better...or understands..he always has naturally...I love him as that and that will never stop even if he does more f'd up shit..
I'll always love that guy that drove me to my homecomings...who approached my boyfriends and made them uneasy..who took me shoe shopping..the one that would tag my leg with marker for the home football games when i was all girly school spirited..who would run into my room the minute he knew the slightest thing was wrong and hold me while I fell to pieces.. The one my parents sent to 'fix' me when they had no clue how to deal..Who would write me 8 page letters just explaining our bond and his past...He gave me all his school pictures from his childhood... ha that same one who scrapped the cheese of my fish filet and I still didn't eat it.. He was there when i felt completely alone in this world...Though I thought eventually as time past without him that maybe he was the 'one' he may not be that 'one' but he's been one of the major leading influencial people to ever grace my life... He may not understand why my heart and soul will remain to embrace him and let him in... That's why.. You can't erase history and anyone to touch me as much as him i will not easily give up on.
I told him I wanted to see him.. Because I do.. I still haven't seen him after all this searching.. No expectations now or awkwardness .. Just me and my anthony... I miss that and I want that..
We talked for awhile.. and it felt right..
During this......James Eric msg'd me with "I hope your happy now"..
I still don't know what he meant by that..
But I was right he was out in the fields or some damn where..
Derek got home and we went to wal mart cause i needed more crawfish for my etouffe I was making..
So we got that.. I found the perfect throw pillows for my couch.. And ooo this shirt that said mrs.dean with a picture of james dean
who I ADORE!.
Came home peeled 2 pounds of crawfish and I proceeded to slave...
It was damn good to... My daddy would be proud..
Well since my living room is together..I figured i'd post some pictures I just took :
( new furniture + derek vs. pine needles )
|
| wildwood flower |
[ March 3rd, 2006 | 9:24am ] |
| [ |
mood |
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 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
walk the line motion picture soundtrack |
] |
alas!
I write..or well that's the point at least..
It's 9:25am and honestly I can't recall the last time I was up this early after actually sleeping...
Not really 9 but i've been up since 7:45am.
My furniture is suppose to be delivered today..(I think)
Considering I recall something that might mean it's not today but a different one.
I've been trying to find the reciept.. But Derek has reciepts EVERYWHERE...and none of them seem to be
the right one..
Anyways I didn't wake up in the best way.. My doorbell rang and it startled me...Then my eyes shot to the clock cause
there's many a morning that if I hadn't woken up Mr.Grippin would've been late.. Well Christ! it was 7:45 and that meant he was an hour late... AN HOUR LATE FOR THE MARINE CORPS!!! So I woke him up in a panic... I ran upstairs after him to question him about his lack of answering the door... It ended up being Corporal Robinson, they sent him after Derek ..
It's his last day in this office and there was a high chance of him being let out early.. I'm sure that's not happening now...
He went to walk out the door with not so much as a goodbye... So I yelled and he came back in as to say bye and I proceeded to yell more for him to just go..
I'm not a morning person and that whole situation had me edgy...I'm not mad at him it was just a moment.. I mean i'm sure he was out of it..
I just want some sense of normalsy I think that would better motivation a regiment...
I'm trying now to just stay up cause if I do i'll be tired earlier and well I can start getting up earlier with ease which is what I want..
I already planned on doing that definately next week b/c of the puppies and all .. I can't sleep in when I have to house train and walk two puppies..
Speaking of which 4 days !!!!!!!
I failed to mention that James Eric Brady called me saturday....I think it was saturday at least.. i wasn't home.. It was the day I went to see about the puppies..It was weird.. I never check the caller ID.. Derek does though.. Derek knows all about James and every other guy that's placed their mark in my life.. I don't hide anything from him.. Back to the point though.. We came home and Derek was like , "do you know anyone from wilkes - barre PA? Something about that sounded familiar... But it didn't hit me for a minute.. So I looked at the # and something about the # gave me an inclination.. So I rushed to compare the #'s and yeah for sure..
It puzzled me for awhile as to why he called and considering my voicemail isn't set up he couldn't leave a msg..
Only in the recent days have I come up with a possible reason..
A week prior to the phone call...I called him and left a messege..
A messege full of truth and sincerity..
Him and I don't speak... We're not necessarily on bad terms though...
I am however married and the lengths I vowed to myself to go to for him are obviously
non existant..
That doesn't mean on any account that I don't care for him and his well being...
So I told him that and I asked that if he is sent anywhere due to the army.. If he's going to be
in harms way to just merely keep me posted because I will continue to care about him till it finally stops...
I never heard a word in response to that voicemail ... not that it mattered..
Then boom a phone call...
He's not online however.. only by mobile device.. So i'm thinking he had to go some where
It is february after all and he was due to go to afganistan...
Maybe for once he did right by me and was calling to let me know ..
I don't think it's afgan. It could be, but knowing him there would've been a blog or something about that..
Maybe he's just out in the woods like the infantry does for weeks at a time...
I find out in time...
He taught me to love him and promised to love
And to cherish me over all others above
How my heart now is wond'ring misery can tell
He's left me no warning, no words of farewell.
He taught me to love him and called me his flow'r
That was blooming to cheer him through life's dreary hour
Oh, I'm longing to see him through life's dark hour
He's gone and neglected this pale wildwood flower.
I really miss Todd..
Not all the time...but i've been going through my journal archives
and I see his comments and my words and recall how close we were..
I'm saddened when I think he'll never care like that again...
He once said I was and would always be the best thing to happen to him...
There is no bestfriend that filled my heart such as him...
It's like a piece of me is constantly missing..
It's upsetting to think it bothers me and will continue to do so
and not phase him...
I don't know...
Life goes on though right?
bleh.. my eyes are heavy...4 1/2 hours of sleep will do that to you...
I'm thinking about makeup..
And i'm also thinking about now..
|
| one week |
[ February 28th, 2006 | 4:37pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
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 artistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
olivia |
] |
soooooooooooo It's one week till I get my babies...
I cannot wait.. It's killing me..
I'm a lil upset at the moment cause walk the line comes out today..and yeah..
We're broke..
i was suppose to have a check by now.. but hmm it's not fucking here..
Derek gets paid tomm..so i'll have to wait..
Our furniture should be here on Friday...
Started the day off with some power yoga..wo0t..
Had some serious realizations... which brought me alot of peace..
My daddy called last night
That brightened me up needless to say..
I love my dad he's awesome..
My nephew is 11 now... that's weird.. My niece will be 5 on the first..odd..
Went on a downloading spree of mary prankster <3
My brother emailed me with the news.........He didn't win the finals , he was shorted on time..
But his album drops in june and there will be a release party so obviously I'M GOING HOME..
We've been in contact every day..
He wants to come visit which means I gotta get the guest room together .
It's all coming together quite lovely...
yeah s'pose that is it for now..
I'm lacking depth.. since I spent it some where else.
|
|
[ February 16th, 2006 | 5:18pm ] |
|
i'm commiting truth.
|
| dreams..... |
[ February 14th, 2006 | 3:23pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
anberlin |
] |
First off I'd like to say my brother,Dixson aka snaPz(www.snapzhiphop.com) won the open mic and is going to be in the finals on feb.27th...
I woke up to a beautiful messege filled with love from him....I was supremely happy to hear from him but a part of me was saddened...cause I wanna be there on the 27th.. I'm the one that believed in him more than anyone else.. and I can't be there..I know he wants me to be there.. See my brother and I have a vibe .. we don't need words to know what each other is feelin' or thinkin'...
If my dreams were to come true......all I can say is we'd be near each other...
I love all my family no doubt.. But theres something about my brother...that without him a piece of me is constantly missing..
You'll never see me so alive than when i'm in his presense..
I've been without that now for 3 years...
I find stride in the fact that no one will ever touch the bond we have...Although many try...
So.. it's valentines day... and I can't help but think of what was going on, on this day 1 year ago...
Just because....I reflect on events,times,etc...
Days come and go...and alot of the time you can't remember what you were doing on that day a year or years prior.. But holidays are staples.. You remember them...
Derek was unable to make this Valentines day surreal... I was upset... I felt he lacked thought.. Regardless of money.. I just
think he could've done better.. I mean yeah.. the days not over.. but we've already discussed it and I'm not expecting anything..
Last night he felt bad and went and got me a beautiful card....This stuffed bear that is huge and a good pillow.. and some chocolate..
I awoke today quite reluctant of having a good day... But my brother changed all that for me.. He gave me the strength to get up and live..That's just what he does and I love him for that... When I went to open my makeup case I found an envelope from Derek.. It was a typed poem he had written...
I don't know if he did that at work this morning and left it there on lunch when he came home..considering i was still sleeping and he didn't make an effort to wake me..It was sweet and more along the lines of what gets me.. ya know? the things that take thought and time..
In other news..
my subconscience is telling me I desperately miss my bestfriend..or once bestfriend...
whatever.. wtf is new right?
It's lonely here.. I must admit..
I didn't really think of how it would be...
It's hard to communicate with people when you live an entirely different life..
It's like the only people i want to communicate with are my sister and marli...cause well there both married with children
and now i'm apart of that club..w/o children though..
I fight personal wars because i don't know proper protocal..
Like i'm worried for someone.. and I think anyone in my position would be...But is it right because he's an ex? to worry about his wellbeing....
Shit...it's probably not proper just because he wasn't good to me in the way he should've been.
If you can't hold yourself together why should I hold you now
No complaints on this end though....
I look at him and think how i'm so lucky...how i've grasped perfection...
It's circumstance that gets me down.....not him..
Well....Derek and I are Sams club members now...heh..
yeah random......whatever..
I have an amazing husband...
That loves me and who would do anything for me...
So....if nothing else my valentines day won't be spent alone.............
and...
It's sunny outside...eventhough my house is drafty as shit...
I just thought how I've barely heard the planes from base all day...Tuesdays and Thursdays are hell..
bleh.. i have shit to do and I have to figure out what i'm making for dinner.
|
| Moving on up! |
[ February 11th, 2006 | 5:19pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 full |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
johnny cash - ghost rider in the sky |
] |
I've been in South Carolina since the first.
That was a roadtrip of stiffness,considering I had so much shit in the back seats that my seat was
soooo far up... more than usual.. For the duration of the trip...
Not much going on in Beaufort SC... Just a bunch of damn marines..heh.. oh and a wal mart..
But we do have a SONIC.........which excites me greatly...
On our first wal mart excursion we spent $605.... Just getting basics...
Then 300 later that week on more stuff and my dining room table..
So far my kitchen is more than set.....I have stuff i didn't even think of having...
I have my dining room table..
Last night we got a computer desk and tv stand(which will eventually be moved upstairs)
And my bathrooms are super cute.. although the one downstairs needs more work..
I just put Derk in a hot bath.... I think he's catching a cold... well with this shitty weather and all..
It was wikked nice for like two days...and today on our weekend together is rainy and dark..
Thank god we have cable now... We have bought and rented soooooooooo many dvd's for entertainment..heh..
We went to Savannah GA on thursday....just to go to target... damn hour drive...
I fell in love with that place though....wish we could move there.. It is sooo beautiful...
We were gonna go again this weekend...cause I wanted to see it in the daylight.. but ummm it's nasty..
Yet in still we still are venturing there for one special thing....ARBYS!! yeah we're nerds..
But I cooked a rather time consuming brunch.....and I don't feel like cooking...
I rather spend time with my hubby while he's home and not tired or restless...
I think we might have to pick him up some medicine though..
ugh I hate his keyboard...
Life is interesting ....that's for sure...
But it's peaceful...and healthy...
I can't wait to get my house done though...
I'll post some pictures of whatever when i install my software on this computer...
that tiz all for now..
|
| at the breaking point.. |
[ January 6th, 2006 | 3:28pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
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crappy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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trey songz - just gotta make it |
] |
Tears on your pillow...
Pain in my heart..
Let's not do this...
Let's make it right..
Can't take another sleepless night
Cause' it's killing me that suddenly
I find myself alone..
I'm not use to waking up and being by myself
I'm not use to missing anyone
I'm not use to getting no love..
I'm not use to having someone never touching me
I'm not use to this...
I want it how it use to be!
Man ... sigh...
I just don't know..
I guess I reached my breaking point last night...
The tears fell...and rage followed..
I knew once I hit this point........it'd be all downhill until
I have him with me once again..
He upset me with some statements made...Honestly though they wouldn't have
got to me so bad if we weren't living under these circumstances..
I'm frustrated..........so badly.. and he's the one that's there so it's taken out on him..
I miss him so much I don't even want to talk to him...if that makes any kind of sense..
I'm his wife and I know I shouldn't be doing this...
I honestly want to just be like "i'll talk to you when were together...and not till"...
Cause then I won't let go when I am on the phone with him...even if it places me in severe agony..
He doesn't deserve this...But I can't stop it..Even if I know it's wrong..
I still haven't picked up the phone or returned one single text msg..
He did hurt my feelings... but not enough for all this...which i'm sure he's thinking is what's wrong.
I don't even have the heart to call or text and tell him otherwise.. It's almost like "you hurt me"...so now you can sit and hurt..
I really don't know what to do...
I'm silently dying...
No one knows how badly this is killing me...
not even him.
But I'm gonna go take a bath... make myself look like something..
Cause i'm going out tonight...
Maybe after i get myself together i'll feel better...
doubtful..the pain will still be lingering...
can't I just crawl into a hole and be non existant until I can be with him
once again.......
arg.
|
| brain freeeeze |
[ January 4th, 2006 | 3:40pm ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
dwight yoakum - thousand miles from no where |
] |
I slept in wikked late...cause well I found no reason to wake up...2:30 I finally get up..
Throw some clothes on and go to the store to get ciggs..Derek and I are text msg'ing back and forth cause he's at work... His first day back.. Today he was gonna do all his paper work that has to go in now that he's married..Then he sends me a text saying his fellow jarheads are telling him he should get an apartment...so I demanded he call me to explain..Well eventhough it comes off as paying no rent for base housing...technically speaking you are.. Cause he'd get an alotment of like almost a grand for not living on base...Well i'm going off just out of mere frustration b/c I mean if he was just gonna get off base housing he could've already worked on that.. and I wouldn't be going without him.. And I know getting a place to live doesn't happen overnight.. I already knew what I was doing and to me this was a monkey wrench.. After my frustration subsided.. And I screamed that I would not live in an apartment or a hole in the wall.. I heard him out..and well I think his sargent or someone has a 2bdrm townhouse for 595..Which isn't bad at all.. and if we lived on base he'd be making like 1400 a month if we didnt' it'd be around 2200...So I just told him to work the figures out..
Cause if paying rent and bills for some place else equals up to the same ammount then really you're not making out.. So he's gonna work on that.. He can go to base housing and they'll give him a list of off base housing places...
Well I have so much cleaning to do... so i'm gonna get on that...
Then read or something....
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Up close of Azrael..he's brindle which means some where in him is pit..haha..
That's all for now...